Jealous?

Jealous? ME?! of him?!
NO. couldnt b. nverrr.
he's not even mine. i dont own him.. (even tho he says i do..) psh.. tricked into believing stupid lies and false compliments.
tzz. ellie ellie.. u just let urself get hurt like this.. *sigh*




no. im not talkin about who u think im talkin about.

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ive got my offer from Carleton University, Canada. :D yay!! first offer from canada. duno if im gonna go or not. overall Canada will b WAYY cheaper than UK but.. i dunno if the course will b better.. and i hear some ppl say tht canada, esp around ottawa, is just rlly dull and boring :(

Carleton? the campus virtual tour

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In lit class today we were talkin about the purpose Churchill was trying to make.. and in the end, the overall conclusion is that there is no such thing as perfect contentment because as humans, we will always be comparing ourselves to other people. one character, Griselda, was perfectly content with her situation until she heard the other character's stories, which is only when doubt enters her mind.. so if all humans were equal, in a socialist society, and there was no competition and comparisons, then everyone would b happy.. but then there would b no development in the world.. and we'd b stuck in one era. so wat then? do we strive for contentment and happiness or do we strive to improve ourselves and the world we live in? its arguable.. since the main purpose of improving and bettering ourselves is so that we can find happiness. its just all one big circle... and bcuz we are human.. we are nvr gonna settle for being equal.

i think we should give up. because essentially, there is no such thing as happiness and there is no such thing as success because in the end, we're all alone and there will always be something we need to give up and miss out on.

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oh a very side note... i keep seeing him in my dreams, even when i try distracting myself with other things >.<" someone save me.. im startin to rlly need him.

Bullshit Somemore

Interesting Fact #1: Eunuchs are MOST likely to be threatened by the mafia.

Interesting Fact #2: Guys are 10% MORE likely than gals to answer random math questions.

Interesting Fact #3: Guys are 8% MORE likely than gals to answer random math questions CORRECTLY.

Interesting Fact #4: Those who claim to "use to have guy parts, but now have gal parts" are predicted to die the soonest at 40; next are eunuchs at 42.

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i should be doing by geography homework.. but i dont want to... stupid fucking mcadam! I M SO SICK of doing past papers. its hw and its even work durin class. x.X get some fucking creativity!! haih.

Muehehehhehe Distort-tation

kekekee. im playin wif photobucket's photo editor. hahahhaaa.

Its Overi

I dunno.. am i suppose to announce it the world somehow?
but rarely anyone reads this. a blog after all is to post feelings and memories that you can look back later..

its over between me and peter. it ended last friday. i ended it. heh. i really dont hav anything to say.. its just a repetition of history.. the guy does nothing wrong, but my heart closes; guilt floods; and then i begin to feel suffocated and i need to get out. im a bitch. im selfish. i noe. but its the way i was brought up. always tryin to please everyone.. once in awhile, u crack. and ive cracked. haha.

went starbucks with ran today. i was quite distractin her (sorry.. hehe) but we talked about everything thts been happening lately....
we talked about how restrictive my parents are towards me. usually i let this drop.. i dont whine about it cuz i cant change it. but the fact is tht i'd soon be 18. and for once in my life, i want to do something not behind their backs.. and they wont even accept it. and what i want to do isnt even tht bad. hav a drink in front of them. spend the nite at a hotel with friends. something wild that an 18 yr old would b expected to do on ur crossin of adulthood. but i cant.. i noe im expecting too much.. its not tht im missin out on an experience. ive tried alcohol, tried weed, tried clubbing, tried sleeping in the arms of a guy, tried sneakin in ppl, etc. ive tried all a girl at the age of 18 needs to try. but for once.. i want to do something "adult" with their consent. and apparently.. thts asking too much. cant they understand its the 20th century and i need to be apart from them and tht i DONT want to celebrate my 18th with them if they're going to be like this.

ran says i have alot of disorders. haha its true. i noe im mentally unstable. she says im bordering on suicidal. haha. her theory stemmed from the fact that i cant remember anything from my childhood before grade2 (yr3). i always thot it was normal.. i nvr rlly brought it up with others... but apparently ppl do rmbr their baby-hoods. i told her about how sometimes i feel so empty and so alone. its the feelings that u just cant be bothered about anything anymore.. but u also cant bring urself to end it bcuz there is stil the hope that it will turn out ok in the end.

poll.. have u ever felt cold from the inside? a chill that u cant get rid of no matter how many blankets u cover urself with; no matter how many sweaters u put on.. ive felt that too many times to count... i just dont noe if there is something wrong with me.. or if its a normal feeling.. from talkin with others.. it doesnt sound normal. especially when the majority of the ppl cannot relate to u. u noe wats the best about drinkin, smoking, weed? its that when ure doing it.. u can forget about all the problems and all the stress in ur life. its a wonderful feeling to be able to not think about how ur life is leadin nowhere. haha. i sound like a druggie. im not.. honestly im not. esp since ive only tried those things once or twice anyways.

wat happened to me? i use to b so different. i use to b genuinely happy with my life... nothing changed all tht drastically... so wat happend? y m i like this now? is the taste of tht other life luring me to darkness but the light is trappin me in a cage and it wont let me escape to the warm of the darkness.

latest song im obsessed with: Somewhere i Belong by Linkin Park. the chorus just really strikes me emotionally...

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

haha. ok.. im seriously getting closer and closer to this border of depression. i need to let go. i cant drag anyone else down with me...

apparently i cant love. thats ok. i wont get hurt. but if thats the case, the guy will. so unless u arent lookin for love. then come find me. cuz im ready to get played. im ready to get treated like shit. come find me. haha. ellie is currently single and looking for a fling that will warm me thru this cold time.