What is ‘Home’?

What is it that you want? Do you want independence? Do you want freedom? Then stop whining, stop asking for it and just stand on your own two feet. Stop looking for someone you can depend on and just learn to accept to be with yourself. For if you can’t stand being with your self, how can you expect someone else to want to be with you?

I think there is something wrong here. People are suppose to feel more at home when they are home. I’ve been back in Malaysia for about 5 months plus now and though I’m home, surrounded by parents and a cooked food and friends, I still feel empty. It’s like I’m a child again, constantly fighting for my parents’ approval and never getting it. I’m 21 already, I should not be trying still trying to get them to approve of who I am. I should not be constantly trying to strike up conversation, only to be shot down by being accused of asking a stupid question.

While I’m away from home my confidence builds; I feel myself slowly accepting who I am. But when I’m back here, it’s completely different. Nothing I do is right, everything I say is wrong, every way I’ve been living my life is a complete mistake. And then I’m back and square one again, this awkward child with no self confidence and no way knowing how to face other people because her own parents can’t even be proud of her.

So what is home when home is where it breaks you down and tears you apart?

Maybe I’m overreacting, it’s probably not as bad as it sounds. It’s just because I’ve been so spoilt and so use to getting what I want all my life that maybe I don’t know how to deal with disapproval. Maybe they’re right, maybe everything I’ve done my whole life is a complete mistake.

I’m leaving to London with my family soon, then after they leave I’ll be all alone again. I don’t know if I should cry or rejoice. What will I be without them?

And where does that put my future?

Mediocrity

I got another job application rejection.

Depressing.

You know what I’ve done wrong in my life? I’ve only managed to be average at everything. I’m not great at anything. Sure, I can do almost anything you can do. But that’s the thing. It’s ALMOST. There is always going to be someone better than me.

I’ve been mediocre at life.

Being mediocre means I don’t stand out. There is nothing special to attract you to want to hire me; to get to know me; to want to understand me.

I think I’m a drifter. I lack passion in anything.

I hope one day I will find something I can be passionate in. A passion that will help me excel and become something amazing.

Because it’s worrying. If I can’t even get any internship/placements to accept me, how am I going to find a real proper job?

Just Words

Do you notice how words have lost their original purpose?

I hate you.
I love you.
I’m sorry.

These are the three most commonly overused words I hear. Yet they don’t mean what they should mean. Kids get angry at their parents and they declare that they hate them. Next day everything is dandy and normal. You buy a new phone that is all sparkly and new and you tell everyone you love it. A new phone comes along and you toss and replace it. And the worst one is “I’m sorry.” The thing with this phrase is people just don’t mean it anymore. I know I’m being a hypocrite here. But nowadays “sorry” is just something you say to someone just so you can end the disagreement. “I don’t think I’m wrong but I can’t be bothered to keep this argument on” is really what “I’m sorry” means.

The more we use words, the less their true meanings are held. If this is really the development of our language, I don’t know if we can look to a hopeful future.

“Fuck you.” “Bitch.” “Stupid.” These are insulting and mean words. Yet friends can say it to one another as a casual joke; a fist bump. If cuss words lose their anger, what do they become?

Scarcity creates luxury, right?

If everyone in the world had diamonds, they wouldn’t be seen as a treasure. If everyone used the word “love” when it truly came down to it, would it really be any special than it really should be?

Life's Too Short

When we don't say what's on our mind, chances go by. We miss things that could have happened, things that might have worked out to your advantage.

I'm teaching myself to be more direct; be more straightforward and to stop worrying so much. Beating around the bush just tends to create misunderstandings, so if I want to know something, I will ask it. Direct. To the point. And bluntly. Don't hate me if I come off rude, I just rather you tell me now, hurt me now, than let it fester and fester.

Life's too short, right?

Who's this person you see before you? She's not the same person she was a year ago.

Greece coming up soon. I want to be excited. But honestly, I'm a bit scared.

.gif Fun

Photoscape enables people to make .gifs. But Facebook doesn’t let me upload them to show off my talent. Haha. So I shall post them here for fun :)

 

 

 

Hahaha. Can’t stop watching them… on and on and on.

Being a Tourist and stuff

Travelled out of UK two days straight.

Monday was my last assignment hand in. Still wrapping my head around the whole being free thing. But I took the time to be free to finally explore a bit of UK’s sights.

Tuesday went to visit Clare and Max up in Colchester. I had that O2 free day out thing, so I redeemed it to visit Colchester Zoo. It was quite big. So much walking everywhere. But the animals were cute and I learned a thing or two. The animals shows from the other zoos I’ve been to were probably more interesting and fun, but it was still an overall good experience.

Meercats! They ran towards us when we came by. All them gathering around the wall we were standing by. Adorable, much.

Then yesterday I went to Thorpe Park with Kevin. We got there just before 2pm and had about three hours there. We got a fast pass ticket and skipped a 50 minute queue straight to the front of Stealth. This ride where you go super fast super fast. Haha. Loved the exhilaration rush.

We went on all these other awesome thrill rides too like the Samurai, Colossus, Saw, Vortex and the Nemesis Inferno. The Vortex really threw my stomach so I went really green after that. But managed to survive the Nemesis Inferno. We got to ride it twice as well because we were the last batch. Kevin said that all the rides were slower than before because they didn’t have a huge crowd to rush through. That’s disappointing, but then with the bigger crowds, the queues will be longer. So beggars can’t be choosers. But I really had fun. Especially with someone that was willing to go on all the rides with me.

On the Samurai. We managed to sneak a camera on. ;)

For dinner we stopped at Clapham Junction, had fish and chips then went to a bar for cocktails. A perfect way to end an awesome day. And I wasn’t too green anymore after getting something proper to eat.

End of an Era

It's my final year in university and I'll be handing in my final assignment on Monday. Then I'll be done with my Bachelors degree and quite possibly done with my education.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

Yes, I am sick of studying. Sick of researching. And sick of writing essays. But then again, I'm also going to miss the free time I have. Because I have so little classes, there are days when I just lay around the house, sleep all day and just rot, in general. It was fine because the next day I could just catch up on work and finish everything before a deadline. But when you're an adult, holding a job, getting paid to keep living, it suddenly implodes on this responsibility on you that I don't know if I'm ready to handle.

Well, the first thing is to actually find a job. And that needs self-motivation, which I'm currently lacking. Sometimes I feel that because I've had such a lucky and pampered life, it makes me feel so settled that I feel no need to over-exceed and improve my current situation. I don't feel the need to go out and find a good job, do well in my essays and try and make contacts because I already have friends, parents that support me and managed to get accepted into a university by just doing what I already do. Is that bad? Does that make me ungrateful and selfish? It probably does.

On the plus side, getting a job will put some routine in my life, which I probably need. It'll stop me from lazing around and doing nothing. It'll actually get me out of the house and interact with people and make some money to take the burden off my parents.

People say I'm smart, kind and funny. Truthfully, I don't think I'm any of those things. Maybe I just need to find some self-confidence which will make me want to get out there and become better.

Sometimes you're afraid to try because you're afraid to fail.