What is it that you want? Do you want independence? Do you want freedom? Then stop whining, stop asking for it and just stand on your own two feet. Stop looking for someone you can depend on and just learn to accept to be with yourself. For if you can’t stand being with your self, how can you expect someone else to want to be with you?
I think there is something wrong here. People are suppose to feel more at home when they are home. I’ve been back in Malaysia for about 5 months plus now and though I’m home, surrounded by parents and a cooked food and friends, I still feel empty. It’s like I’m a child again, constantly fighting for my parents’ approval and never getting it. I’m 21 already, I should not be trying still trying to get them to approve of who I am. I should not be constantly trying to strike up conversation, only to be shot down by being accused of asking a stupid question.
While I’m away from home my confidence builds; I feel myself slowly accepting who I am. But when I’m back here, it’s completely different. Nothing I do is right, everything I say is wrong, every way I’ve been living my life is a complete mistake. And then I’m back and square one again, this awkward child with no self confidence and no way knowing how to face other people because her own parents can’t even be proud of her.
So what is home when home is where it breaks you down and tears you apart?
Maybe I’m overreacting, it’s probably not as bad as it sounds. It’s just because I’ve been so spoilt and so use to getting what I want all my life that maybe I don’t know how to deal with disapproval. Maybe they’re right, maybe everything I’ve done my whole life is a complete mistake.
I’m leaving to London with my family soon, then after they leave I’ll be all alone again. I don’t know if I should cry or rejoice. What will I be without them?
And where does that put my future?
