Its Overi

I dunno.. am i suppose to announce it the world somehow?
but rarely anyone reads this. a blog after all is to post feelings and memories that you can look back later..

its over between me and peter. it ended last friday. i ended it. heh. i really dont hav anything to say.. its just a repetition of history.. the guy does nothing wrong, but my heart closes; guilt floods; and then i begin to feel suffocated and i need to get out. im a bitch. im selfish. i noe. but its the way i was brought up. always tryin to please everyone.. once in awhile, u crack. and ive cracked. haha.

went starbucks with ran today. i was quite distractin her (sorry.. hehe) but we talked about everything thts been happening lately....
we talked about how restrictive my parents are towards me. usually i let this drop.. i dont whine about it cuz i cant change it. but the fact is tht i'd soon be 18. and for once in my life, i want to do something not behind their backs.. and they wont even accept it. and what i want to do isnt even tht bad. hav a drink in front of them. spend the nite at a hotel with friends. something wild that an 18 yr old would b expected to do on ur crossin of adulthood. but i cant.. i noe im expecting too much.. its not tht im missin out on an experience. ive tried alcohol, tried weed, tried clubbing, tried sleeping in the arms of a guy, tried sneakin in ppl, etc. ive tried all a girl at the age of 18 needs to try. but for once.. i want to do something "adult" with their consent. and apparently.. thts asking too much. cant they understand its the 20th century and i need to be apart from them and tht i DONT want to celebrate my 18th with them if they're going to be like this.

ran says i have alot of disorders. haha its true. i noe im mentally unstable. she says im bordering on suicidal. haha. her theory stemmed from the fact that i cant remember anything from my childhood before grade2 (yr3). i always thot it was normal.. i nvr rlly brought it up with others... but apparently ppl do rmbr their baby-hoods. i told her about how sometimes i feel so empty and so alone. its the feelings that u just cant be bothered about anything anymore.. but u also cant bring urself to end it bcuz there is stil the hope that it will turn out ok in the end.

poll.. have u ever felt cold from the inside? a chill that u cant get rid of no matter how many blankets u cover urself with; no matter how many sweaters u put on.. ive felt that too many times to count... i just dont noe if there is something wrong with me.. or if its a normal feeling.. from talkin with others.. it doesnt sound normal. especially when the majority of the ppl cannot relate to u. u noe wats the best about drinkin, smoking, weed? its that when ure doing it.. u can forget about all the problems and all the stress in ur life. its a wonderful feeling to be able to not think about how ur life is leadin nowhere. haha. i sound like a druggie. im not.. honestly im not. esp since ive only tried those things once or twice anyways.

wat happened to me? i use to b so different. i use to b genuinely happy with my life... nothing changed all tht drastically... so wat happend? y m i like this now? is the taste of tht other life luring me to darkness but the light is trappin me in a cage and it wont let me escape to the warm of the darkness.

latest song im obsessed with: Somewhere i Belong by Linkin Park. the chorus just really strikes me emotionally...

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

haha. ok.. im seriously getting closer and closer to this border of depression. i need to let go. i cant drag anyone else down with me...

apparently i cant love. thats ok. i wont get hurt. but if thats the case, the guy will. so unless u arent lookin for love. then come find me. cuz im ready to get played. im ready to get treated like shit. come find me. haha. ellie is currently single and looking for a fling that will warm me thru this cold time.